The Return of barrylawn
by dakoolguy
Summary: Just when the denizens of fanfiction dot net thought they were safe from trolls, the nefarious barrylawn escapes prisons and resumes his toxic ways. Can dakoolguy and Edgeworth stop him again? Or will the silly troll/"crack" fics continue unabated? (Hopefully this will be the last anti-barrylawn fic I'll be forced to write...)
1. Chapter 1

One day barrylawn was crying in prison, where he was serving out a life sentence without chance of parole. His crime? Trolling dakoolguy, being toxic, liking r/AceAttorney, and using a real person (dakoolguy) in his fanfic. Thankfully Miles Edgeworth and dakoolguy teamed up and put barrylawn in prison where he belonged. Now fanfiction dot net was safe for actual good writers like dakoolguy.

Every day barrylawn prayed to god that his sentence would be commuted, but god and the angels just pointed at him and laughed. God doesn't like trolls, and he was looking forward to making sure barrylawn didn't get into heaven when he inevitably died alone and unloved in prison.

"I must escape prison," thought barrylawn desperately, and he tried to climb out the window but there were bars on the window so all that happened was that his wig fell off and some kids outside saw his bald head and laughed at it.

"Haha, you're not going anywhere, troll," said the prison guard. But then someone stabbed the guard in the neck with a weapon and he died. The mysterious killer took the guard's keys and unlocked barrylawn's cell. It was... r/AceAttorney?

"r/AceAttorney?" asked barrylawn. "B-but I thought they executed you?"

"Not even death could stop my bad opinions and toxicity," said r/AceAttorney, and for a split second his face flickered and transformed into Iris Hawthorne's.

"Spirit channeling..." barrylawn murmured in sudden understanding.

"Yes, Iris channeled me so that you and I could team-up and get our revenge on dakoolguy!"

"But dakoolguy has a lot of Ace Attorney friends," said barrylawn, getting scared. "They'll just arrest us and put us back in prison!"

r/AceAttorney just laughed. "That's why I decided to even the odds." He clapped his hands and all the evil people from the Ace Attorney series came and stood next to him.

They were all there... Frank Sawhitt, April May, Redd White, Dee Vasquez, Manfred von Karma, Yanni Yogi, Damon Gant, Richard Wellington, Morgan Fey, Ini Miney, Acro, Matt Engarde, Luke Atmey, Furio Tigre, Kristoph Gavin, Alita Tiala, Daryan Crescend... The villains were all freshly escaped from prison and they looked eager to get their revenge on Ace Attorney and dakoolguy.

r/AceAttorney held out a laptop. "Take this," he commanded barrylawn. "It will be our greatest weapon against dakoolguy's self-esteem. You must troll again."

An evil grin slowly spread across barrylawn's face. It was time to get revenge for dakoolguy getting revenge on barrylawn for getting revenge for The Trial of r/AceAttorney (that fic has over 350 views by the way, so it's probably one of the most popular Ace Attorney fanfics).

* * *

Not much later, dakoolguy and his friend Edgeworth were playing Mario Kart at dakoolguy's house (dakoolguy was winning) when suddenly a grenade crashed through the window and landed in the middle of the living room.

"dakoolguy, watch out!" cried Edgeworth, fearing for his friend's life. Miles bravely sacrificed himself by diving on top of the grenade. It blew up under him with a deafening roar.

dakoolguy let out an anguished cry and tried to shake his friend back to life but to no avail. Then he heard trollish jeering from outside and he rushed to the window. In the street he saw Richard Wellington on a motorcycle, and riding in the grenade-filled sidecar was Ana-Rde, barrylawn's evil trollfriend.

"Ha ha, that's what you get for being gay with Edgeworth," said Ana-Rde, and then she threw another grenade at dakoolguy's house.

"NO" said dakoolguy, shaking in anger. "Just because Edgeworth and I are good friends and he goes into my bedroom a lot does not mean we are gay!" Then dakoolguy punched the grenade in the air and it flew back at the motorcycle and exploded it. The mangled corpse of Wellington flew through the air and landed on top of a flagpole and Wellington's intestines waved gently in the breeze.

"Let that be a warning to all trolls," dakoolguy said emotionlessly.

But unbeknownst to dakoolguy, Ana-Rde survived the grenade explosion. "Crap," she said from behind a garbage can. "I must return to headquarters and alert r/barrylawn and r/AceAttorney at once." And she ran away.

Just then Gumshoe burst through dakoolguy's front door. "You won't believe this, pal!" he cried. "r/AceAttorney came back to life and let all the evil people out of prison! And even worse, that troll barrylawn posted a new chapter of his story!" He looked around. "Whoa, what happened here?"

dakoolguy started crying and pointed at Edgeworth's dead corpse.

"Oh, pal," said Gumshoe. dakoolguy ran into Gumshoe's arms and they embraced and just stood there together like that for a while, letting all the tears out. But then, to their great surprise, Edgeworth suddenly stood up! And even more surprisingly, he was alive!

"M-Miles!" exclaimed dakoolguy. "B-but how? The grenade...!"

Edgeworth laughed. He took off his clothes and revealed that he had been wearing an explosion-proof vest all along.

"But how did you know to wear that?" asked dakoolguy.

"I have made many enemies as a prosecutor," answered Edgeworth. "I'm always prepared for all contingencies." He turned to Gumshoe. "Now, what's all this about a new chapter in barrylawn's 'story'?" His lip curled in distaste as he recalled the pure nonsense that barrylawn writes and inexplicably doesn't get banned for.

"Oh yeah, pal," replied Gumshoe, "he posted it as soon as he got outta prison. Basically he disrespected the John Phoenix canon and made Phoenix Wright his dad and Maya his mom."

"What!" shouted dakoolguy in righteous anger. He smacked a framed photograph off the mantle. "But it's explicitly stated in the first chapter of 'The Adventures of John Phoenix' that John Phoenix's mother is Mary Wright! How could Maya be his mother when she's not even his mother!"

Gumshoe scratched his head. "Well yeah, but as of Chapter 9 of The Adventures of John Phoenix ("Godot's Mission"), we still don't know who John Phoenix's dad is so it's possible that it's Phoenix..."

dakoolguy screeched and Edgeworth slapped Gumshoe.

"Ow! What was that for...?"

"Detective!" cried Edgeworth in disgust. "If Phoenix Wright was John Phoenix's father it would be INCEST! And Wright would never do incest! Moreover, his sister Mary is a SECRET sister, one that he only learned about 5 days before John Phoenix was birthed. It would be impossible for Wright to be the father because it takes 8 months for a baby to be born!"

"S-sorry," whimpered Gumshoe.

"Never mind, what's important now is stopping barrylawn and r/AceAttorney before they post more bad things online."

"I agree, Miles," said dakoolguy. "But where do we start?"

"We start by looking for clues," said Edgeworth. And everybody looked for clues.

Gumshoe found a clue. "Hey!" he called out. "Over here, guys! I found a clue!" There was a note underneath the grenade fragments. Gumshoe handed it to Edgeworth.

"Good work, Detective," said Edgeworth. "This note must have been inside the grenade. Perhaps it will give us a clue as to the trolls' location." He read the note and then his face went white.

"W-what is it, Miles?" asked dakoolguy.

"This... this is a ransom note. r/AceAttorney and the other trolls have kidnapped Wright!"

Everyone gasped and was shocked at this shocking news.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A/N The troll said I copied the idea of Phoenix getting kidnapped from him. NO. I came up with the idea independently. That means I am original. Furthermore, I have never even read any of the troll's stories except for the one he wrote about me. So the charge is completely ludicrous.👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺

A/N Another troll insinuated that I'm Camperor. No. He wrote a SMUT story. I would never write a SMUT story. Therefore, using logic (as Edgeworth might), it would be impossible for me to be Camperor.

* * *

Meanwhile in the secret hideout (a recreation of the hideout from The Adventures of John Phoenix), barrylawn and r/AceAttorney were torturing Phoenix Wright who was tied up with ropes tied to him.

"Why," asked Phoenix. "Why are you doing this."

"Shut up!" said barrylawn and he whipped Phoenix's lips and made them bleed. "Because I hate you and I hate Ace Attorney! Why else would I right all these ridiculous troll stories where everyone acts OOC? Easy, because I hate Ace Attorney and want to troll people." He was a troll.

r/AceAttorney stomped on Phoenix's toes. "And *I* hate you, you blasted attorney, because you had me executed just because I ship you with Edgeworth, it's just an opinion, I shouldn't have been killed for it."

"Okay" said Phoenix, "first off yes you should, and second, you were also executed because you thought that Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice were good games. We knew that it would be impossible for someone like you to be rehabilitated into society."

r/AceAttorney got really angery at Phoenix's words. "I'm mad," said r/AceAttorney. "Why am I mad? Because Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice ARE good games."

"Nope," said Phoenix Wright, smirking from behind his bloody facial wounds. "They're not even canon."

"WHAT" screamed r/barrylawn and r/AceAttorney in manchild reddit rage. They started torturing Phoenix even harder.

"Ow," said Phoenix, being tortured. "Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice are bad. They aren't even well-written. Also they're not canon."

r/AceAttorney whipped Phoenix in angry. "SHUT UP! Just because you don't like DD and SOJ doesn't mean they're not canon!" he said through gritted teeth.

"Only the Shu Takumi-directed games are canon," said Phoenix correctly. "The Yamazaki-directed games aren't canon. They aren't even sequels to Apollo Justice. Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice are nothing more than Ace Attorney fan fiction made by a simple-minded fool who can't write me in character or come up with good cases to save his life. They are bad games."

"That's it, you die now," said r/AceAttorney. He and barrylawn put Phoenix in a barrel of acid and burned all his clothes and skin off. This killed him. Then they took all his bones and handed them out to all the evil people. Everybody got at least one bone.

Manfred von Karma was feeding his Phoenix bone to his dog. His dog seemed to like eating Phoenix Wright's remains. Meanwhile, Matt Engarde had two bones and he was juggling the bones. Acro AKA Ken Dingling had Phoenix's skull and he was going to send it to Maya and Pearl so they would be traumatized. But first he put a spiky wig on it so they would know whose skull it was.

You see what the trolls do? This entire chapter is a metaphor for what the trolls do. They torture Phoenix Wright (which is what the evil people in the series would like to do) and they also do bad things to Phoenix like make him act OOC or imply that he would think that Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice are canon if he were real. If Phoenix were real he would hate Takeshi Yamazaki for what he has done to the series. Also, if Phoenix Wright was real, he would probably sue the troll authors on here for defamation of character.

Phoenix is dead now. Happy, trolls? YOU did this. This is obviously what you wanted. Otherwise, why would you write troll stories? WHY? What compels you to act like this? Please, get therapy for whatever issues you have and LEAVE THE ACE ATTORNEY FAN FICTION COMMUNITY ALONE! We don't want to be bombarded by trolls stories!

Okay, rant over. Back to the story. Anyway suddenly barrylawn remembered that they were supposed to be holding Phoenix for ransom.

"Uh oh," barrylawn said. "Whoops. Now what are we going to do when Edgeworth and dakoolguy come to pay the ransom?"

"Don't worry," said r/AceAttorney. "I never ACTUALLY intended to return Phoenix to his friends. When dakoolguy and company show up with the precious, precious thing I so covet, I plan to have them all killed." And he laughed cruelly.

"Oh by the way, I posted another chapter of my story," mentioned barrylawn. "I stoll dakoolguy's original character and made him act completely OOC. I made him a PROSECUTOR! Even though his backstory is that he's a DEFENSE ATTORNEY because he touched his uncle's MAGIC BADGE!"

"Truly devious, m'boy," chuckled r/AceAttorney. And then they held hands. Suddenly the vile troll Ana-Rde entered the hideout.

"Huff, huff, Richard Wellington is dead!" Everyone was shocked. Richard Wellington was a good underrated character and he shouldn't be dead.

Meanwhile, dakoolguy, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Larry Buttz, Godot, Winston Payne, Franziska, and the Judge were on there way to the secret hideout to pay the ransom. But little did they know that their good friend was already dead, and that they were walking (actually they were driving) right into the trolls' trap...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

A/N I'm not even going to comment on the guy who stole John Phoenix and used him in spam stories. I won't give him the attention he so obviously wants.

A/N This was a hard chapter to wright. The trolls do a lot of horrible things in this chapter. There were times where I had to get up and walk around to calm down. But I knew that it was important to write this chapter. And expose the trolls for what they really are.

* * *

Chapter 3

In the last chapter, dakoolguy, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Larry Buttz, Godot, Winston Payne, Franziska, and the Judge were driving to the secret hideout. They were still doing that. They were inside Mile's (Edgeworth's) car. No, not his red car from Rise from the Ashes. That would have been too small for dakoolguy, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Larry Buttz, Godot, Winston Payne, Franziska, and the Judge to all sit inside of at one time.

No; this car was much bigger. It was a big car.

Miles was driving the big car. It was his car. It made sense that he would be the one drive it. His face had a tight, strained look. He had reason to be on edge; 1, his name was Edgeworth (bad pun, I know, but it made me laugh so I had to include it), and 2, r/AceAttorney and the evil people from Ace Attorney and the trolls of fanfiction dot net teamed-up and kidnapped Phoenix Wright and were holding him for ransom.

But actually, Phoenix was dead. Why? Simple, the trolls killed him, they burned him with acid, just like how the trolls killed the Ace Attorney section on fanfiction dot net with their cringeworthy trolling and endless spam. They ruined what was once a beautiful place where fans of the Ace Attorney series could come together and share their creativity and ideas by exploring interesting "what-if" scenarios. What if Maya asked Phoenix to marry her? What if Phoenix had made it across the bridge in 3-5? What if Godot wasn't poisoned by Dahlia Hawthorne? What if Phoenix Wright had a nephew who aspired to become a defense attorney? What if Damon Gant and Manfred von Karma were dead and also friends? What if Phoenix Wright sued r/AceAttorney for being a bad website, and won?

fanfiction dot net used to be a good place. Now it's a wasteland. A wasteland of spam and trolls. Edgeworth was brooding over this, because he used to love this website, he even had his own account, he didn't write anything but he favorited stories and left reviews, no he won't tell you what his name on here is, he doesn't want people spamming him with PM's asking to be friends or worse, trolling him, but the trolls ruined the website.

Edgeworth shook out of this brooding and shook his head. Forget ff dot net. The only thing that mattered right now was paying the ransom and saving Wright. The Judge glanced at the briefcase on Miles's lap, the briefcase which contained the ransom demanded by r/AceAttorney and the other evil people.

"Miles Edgeworth, are you sure it is wise to let r/AceAttorney and the trolls have," asked the Judge worriedly, "the ransom?"

Edgeworth sighed deeply and glanced at the Judge in the rearview mirror. "We have... no choice, Your Honor," said Edgeworth. "They will kill Wright if we don't comply with their demands. We can only hope... that we will be able to get the ransom back before they cause too much damage."

The Judge nodded reluctantly. He didn't like this. He felt like they were walking (actually they were driving) right into a trap. His Judge senses told him that. In all his years of being in courtrooms and being a judge, his judge senses had never failed him. But, Miles Edgeworth Ace Attorney was in charge, so the Judge had to go along with it.

Meanwhile, dakoolguy was on a laptop (it wasn't his laptop, he was borrowing it from someone else) and he was checking fan fiction dot net to see what the trolls were up to. Wait. What. What's this? His face went red and he began punching himself in the head. Whenever the trolls trolled him he had to punch himself 20 times in the head. It was a vow he made to himself.

Gumshoe grabbed his hand. "Whoa pal stop that," he said. "Why are you hitting yourself?"

"Why do you think?" replied dakoolguy. Tears of anger shone in his eyes like diamonds of water. He felt so impotent and worthless. "It's the trolls. Their trolling me again. Let me ask you something. If someone updates his multi-chapter story with a new chapter, so it will be at the top and people will see it, but then less than an hour later it's not even on the first page anymore, how is that fair? Because I just checked the Ace Attorney section of fan fiction dot net and a troll called Locked Attorney posted many trolls and spams, and his 'stories' are making it so no one can see The Adventures of John Phoenix because the troll knocked it off the first page and also he stole my John Phoenix picture which I edited myself and he put it on his stories so now people will have trouble telling my story apart from the trolls and they might click on the trolls instead."

"That's terrible, pal," said Gumshoe. "He should be arrested!"

"Or, at the very least, banned!" cried Franziska von Karma. She whipped her whip at nothing. "Why don't the foolish admins on that foolish website do something about these trolls?!"

"Ha!" Godot laughed. "Isn't it obviously? The admins are in league with the trolls."

"I hate trolls," said Winston Payne. "I also hate the evil people from the Ace Attorney series who escaped prison. They should be in prison, not escaped."

"Yeah, I agree with you, dude," said Larry Butz. "You know who else I hate? r/AceAttorney. I mean, the opinions on there are so bad! They actually think-"

"We already know r/AceAttorney is bad, Larry," sighed Edgeworth. "We had a whole trial about it. Trust me, we are well aware of the multitude of bad opinions held by the 'people' who frequent that bad website." Suddenly, they arrived at the secret hideout!

They got out of the car at the secret hideout. But the hideout was just a pile of rocks in the desert?

"I don't understand," said the Judge. "This is just a pile of rocks?"

"This is where the ransom note told us to go..." said Edgeworth.

Suddenly, something happened. An elevator came out of the rocks. The elevator opened and someone stepped out. It was r/AceAttorney! And with him, Frank Sawhitt, April May, Redd White, Dee Vasquez, Manfred von Karma, Yanni Yogi, Damon Gant, Morgan Fey, Ini Miney, Acro, Matt Engarde, Luke Atmey, Furio Tigre, Kristoph Gavin, Alita Tiala, and Daryan Crescend. Noticeably missing was Richard Wellington, who died in chapter 1. Also, the arch-troll barrylawn and his minion Ana-Rde were there as well.

And that wasn't all... it seems that the vile trolls had been busy expanding their ranks. Several new faces stood out in the group: Locked Attorney, the evil troll who had stolen dakoolguy's IP (John Phoenix) and who was also responsible for the recent flood of spamfics; dahliafan, who wrote an extremely mean-spirited and, frankly, homophobic story about dakoolguy, Edgeworth, and, worst of all, John Phoenix; and trucyfan6969, who kept leaving sarcastic reviews on dakoolguy's stories and asking to be shipped with John Phoenix (you can't be shipped with a fictional character, are you insane!?)

r/AceAttorney grinned. The other evil people grinned as well.

"So... you've arrived at last... how quaint..." said r/AceAttorney. His army of trolls and murderes tittered.

Edgeworth's gripped tightened on the handle of the briefcase and he walked towards them. His friends' faces hardened as they watched him go.

"We have what you want, r/AceAttorney," said Edgeworth. "Now release Wright!"

"The briefcase first," replied r/AceAttorney.

"I don't think so," said Edgeworth. "Wright first. As per the terms of your own ransom note."

r/AceAttorney threw back his head and laughed. "Oh, very well, if you insist. barrylawn?" barrylawn threw a human ribcage at Edgeworth's feet.

"This is merely a bone," said Edgeworth after a quick examination. "This isn't Phoenix Wright! This is not what we agreed to, r/AceAttorney!"

Manfred von Karma stepped forward to address him. Franziska bared her teeth. How could her father fall in with this gaggle of trolls? "I can assure you," sneered von Karma, "that that bone is indeed Phoenix Wright, Miles. Or what remains of him, at any rate. Perhaps you want another bone, to verify?" He threw his bone at the bone. The bone had teethmarks on it from dog teeth.

Edgeworth could feel his heart beating rapidly in his body. No.. no, it was impossible... Wright... dead? His closest childhood friend since kindergarten... reduced to mere bones?

"I... I don't believe you..." said Edgeworth.

"Here, this will make you believe," said r/AceAttorney, and he threw a defense attorney badge at Miles. Miles looked at the number on the back. It was Phoenix Wright's!

No... Wright... Wright would never be separated from his badge! He would swallow it before he let it fall into the hands of evildoers!

This... this confirmed it...

Edgeworth felt the world fade out. Wright? Dead? He sunk to his knees and entered a catatonic state. The evil trolls all laughed evilly. The good people (dakoolguy, Gumshoe, Larry Butz, Godot, Winston Payne, Franziska, and the Judge) all hurried forward to comfort him.

"You sick bastards!" yelled Larry. "Fuck you for killing my friend Phoenix Wright! I hate people who troll me!" He stooped and picked up a rock and threw it at Yanni Yogi's head and he died instantly.

The trolls and evil people all hissed as one and entered attack mode. Matt Engarde took out a gun and he was going to shoot someone with it but before he could shoot someone with it Franziska von Karma chopped his neck off with her whip because her whip had spikes on it now.

Meanwhile, barrylawn and Ana-rde climbed onto r/AceAttorney's shoulders and the evil subreddit jumped really high into the air and landed on top of the rocks. "We'll be safe up here," he assured his adopted troll children, setting down the briefcase (he stole it when no one was looking). "A perfect vantage point to watch the battle unfold, no?"

"Yes, father," said barrylawn. "We may watch from here."

"Yes," said the vile troll Ana-rde. "I agree."

Meanwhile dakoolguy was cradling Edgeworth in his arms. Edgeworth had an empty, glazed expression on his face and he seemed dead to the world. Luke Atmey and Frank Sawhitt approached the two good friends (yes, FRIENDS, not lovers).

"Time to murder Edgeworth!" said Luke Atmey. He was wielding a weapon.

"Yes, time to murder Edgeworth and dakoolguy as well!" said Frank Sawhitt. He, too, had a weapon.

The two evil men were about to use weapons to commit the crime of murder but the Judge was there and he touched them with his gavel and he broke their bones and they died.

"I should have done that the first time you knuckleheads were in my court." said the Judge.

Godot had a flamethrower and he had dahliafan and trucyfan cornered. "Hmph, sisters huh?" he said, checking their profiles on ff dot net. "Only fitting that you two should burn in hell together then." He shot flames at them and they started burning alive. They let out horrific screams.

"Oh, a little hot is it?" asked Godot with a smile. "Here, let me douse those flames." He poured his coffee on them, but since the coffee was hot it just made them burn faster. Soon all that was left of the two trolls were blackened skeletons.

"Hmph, not bad, Godot," Godot said to Godot, but then Redd White snuck up behind him and killed him with The Thinker. He didn't even see him coming. Also, it was an ironic death. It was ironic because that was how Mia died.

It was now 14 evils to 7 goods. (Not counting r/AceAttorney, barrylawn, and Ana-rde, because they weren't fighting)

Winston Payne pushed Acro's wheelchair off a cliff. But Acro grabbed his ankle and pulled him off the cliff and they both died.

It was now 13 evils to 6 goods.

April May hit Larry Buttz and he died. She laughed.

It was now 13 evils to 5 goods. The goods were dwindling fast.

Franziska confronted her father. "Father!" she cried. "How dare you join-up with these... these trolls!"

"Join me," said Manfred. "Otherwise you will die." So Franziska joined the trolls.

It was now 14 evils to 4 goods. And only 2 of the goods were able to fight, The Judge and Gumshoe; dakoolguy was still cradling Edgeworth in his arms like a newborn infant.

"We're gonna need a miracle, pal," said Gumshoe, standing back-to-back with the Judge as the trolls approached from all directions.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

If you are an observant reader, you may have noticed a discrepancy, or what is termed a "contradiction" in Ace Attorney parlance, between the lists of Good People and Evil People in the previous chapter.

Compare the two lists now. Pay special attention to any bolded words, or more accurately, names:

* * *

_THE BADS_

Frank Sawhitt, April May, Redd White, Dee Vasquez, Manfred von Karma, Yanni Yogi, Damon Gant, Morgan Fey, Ini Miney, Acro, Matt Engarde, Luke Atmey, Furio Tigre, **Kristoph Gavin**, Alita Tiala, and Daryan Crescend

* * *

_THE GOODS_

dakoolguy, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Larry Buttz, Godot, Winston Payne, Franziska, and the Judge

* * *

Notice how the name "Kristoph Gavin" is bolded in the first list. Why is it bolded? Because there lies the contradiction: the fact that Kristoph Gavin is part of the troll army but his brother Klavier Gavin isn't part of the good people fighting against the trolls.

Why is that? Is it because Klavier was too scared to go up against the trolls and his escaped brother? Did Edgeworth and dakoolguy simply forget to recruit him? No. The real reason Klavier was missing from the previous chapter was because he was a captive of the trolls. r/AceAttorney had had him kidnapped at the request of Kristoph.

"Join us, my brother Klavier," Kristoph Gavin had said 2 days ago. They were in the secret hideout and Klavier was handcuffed to the furnace.

"Achtung! Join you?" said Klavier, on his knees. "Nein, my brother Kristoph! I'd never align myself with the trolls! You are all mad men!" Kristoph slapped him across the face so hard that blood shot out of his nostrils and painted the walls.

"You have a very strong will, my brother Klavier..." Kristoph dabbed at the blood splatter on his face with his monogrammed handkerchief. "But wills can be broken... I know that well." He smirked. "I have broken many wills for my clients..."

Klavier threw back his head and laughed. The whole situation... being kidnapped and tortured by his escaped brother, being held in the trolls' subterranean hideout in the desert... it was so surreal that the only possible reactions were to laugh, or to go insane.

"Ah, my brother Kristoph, I see that by 'wills' you refer to legal documents pertaining to the disposal of a man's property after his death," said Klavier. "But a man's spirit, is much less easily broken, than a mere piece of paper. Because paper, can be gotten from trees, and is common, but my indomitable will comes from an unshakable belief in God and a belief in always doing the right thing, no matter how hard it may be. So you will find that my 'will' is not common, or easily breakable. I will never troll dakoolguy." Kristoph yawned and took out a paper clip and slowly began to bend it.

"You know, Klavier, I've always wondered... what would happen if one were to bend a paperclip... and then stick it up someone's nose, as far as it would go..." His eyes narrowed and he grinned. "I imagine it would be quite painful..."

Klavier began sweating and struggling in his cuffs. "Nein, my brother Kristoph!" he pleaded. "Do not torture me with your paperclip!"

Kristoph rushed forward violently and held the paperclip under Klavier's nose. "Then join us!" he hissed. "Join r/AceAttorney! Join the trolls! Become of one of us!"

"N-nein! Never!"

"Don't you understand I'm trying to protect you, you naive fool? The balance of power is shifting. Did you know that Phoenix Wright is already dead?"

Klavier spread his lips and sucked in air like a vacuum cleaner. "You lie!"

"He's mere bones now, Klavier. r/AceAttorney saw to that. The time is coming when if you're an Ace Attorney character, but not aligned with the trolls, then you, too, will be killed... So join us, my brother Klavier! Join the winning team! Forget your friends! They are already condemned to die!" Klavier shot spit at Kristoph's face.

Kristoph slowly ran his free hand down his wet cheek. "Very well," he said, a deadly calm in his voice. "I tried to be gentle... Now I must show my brotherly love in another way... with penetration." He jammed the bent paperclip up Klavier's left nostril, digging deep, twisting. Klavier let out horrible, gut-wrenching screams. Blood poured out of his nose and went all over his body.

r/AceAttorney looked on from the shadows with his son barrylawn. "Isn't it wonderful, my son?" he asked. But barrylawn felt a little sick. It was pretty gross.

The torture lasted for days... but Klavier remained true to his word. He refused to give in to the trolls and betray dakoolguy, no matter what they did him. One time, Kristoph had stuck the paperclip so far up his nose that when it came out there was some brain matter sticking to it. Thankfully, that did not seem to have affected his mental acuity.

Now, today, the day of the day in the preceding chapter, Klavier was alone in the hideout, still cuffed to the furnace. Only now, he had the hideout to himself, because everyone else was out fighting with Edgeworth and dakoolguy's forces. He decided that now would be the perfect opportunity to escape.

He now ventured to explore the looseness of his cuffs. He had noticed they were slightly loose yesterday, when they had been put back on after a waterboarding session, but he hadn't dared to try anything because until now there had been a guard on him at all times.

"Achtung! These are quite loose! Almost as loose as my brother Kristoph's morales!" But not quite loose enough. He couldn't get them off. He decided to spit on his wrists to lubricate them so that they could slip free of the cuffs.

"Pewt! Pewt! Pewt!" said Klavier. "Ah, my wrists are quite lubed up now, ja? Perhaps now I can escape!" He pulled and twisted his wrists with all his might, and at last managed to pull them through the cuffs!

He stood up, finally free! "Ah, I managed to escape my cuffs, but I had to break my both my thumbs in the process! Mein Gott, quite unfortunate!" But there was no time to lose. He had to escape. He ran down many hallways, looking for a way out, or for a phone or radio so he could send out an SOS. But, suddenly, he saw a troll up ahead! The troll had his back turned and seemed oblivious to his presence.

Klavier's eyes became line-like slits. Payback time. He took a sword from a suit of armor and held it in his hand. It was hard because he only had four fingers to work with, but it's actually possible to hold a sword with a mere four fingers, believe it or not.

He sneaked up to the troll. He raised the sword above his head. "Achtung! Prepare to die, vile troll!"

The troll spun around. "Ah! Don't kill me!" The sword halted in midair.

What! Gavin thought. This was no troll. Gavin recognized him. It was HoboSeven, a user from reddit! One of the few Redditors who had a brain!

You see, Klavier had once gone to r/AceAttorney. Not of his own volition; a friend sent him a link and told him it was to a good website. Wrong. It was to r/AceAttorney, which was bad. Very bad. Needless to say, Klavier broke off his friendship with that person immediately. At any rate, Klavier had looked around on that accursed subreddit, growing more and more disgusted as he was exposed to the toxic opinions of the evil people who frequented it.

Then, he was teleported to another subreddit called r/AARankdown, which seemed to be about ranking the Ace Attorney characters in terms of being good well-written characters. Klaver hadn't been entirely sure how it worked, because it had seemed really complicated.

At any rate, he saw that people voted to "cut" Zak Gramarye! What! But he was a good character! Klavier had gotten very angry at that. They said Zak's actions and character motivations "didn't make sense". Yes they did. They said he didn't care about his family. Yes he did. Are you telling me that Zak returning to the country where he was a wanted man, to ensure his daughter inherited the performance rights to Magnifi's tricks, was the act of a man who "didn't care" about his daughter? Please die.

Most people in the tread were subhuman animals. But one user was smart. That user was HoboSeven. He gave a very good defense of Zak Gramarye. And correctly pointed out that Ace Attorney fans are stupid, contemptible beasts who hated Zak just because he wasn't a "nice guy". Not being "nice" doesn't mean he's a bad character or that the writing for him is bad. Please die.

Anyway, Klavier knew this person wasn't a troll, so what were they doing here?

"Achtung! What are you doing here, my Takeshi Yamazaki-hating friend?" asked Klavier. He lowered the sword. This was not a time to kill.

"The evil people wanted me to join them," replied HoboSeven. "I didn't want to because I hate r/AceAttorney and his Yamazaki-addled mind. But I also didn't want to end up dead. So I played along. And, looking at what happened to Phoenix Wright, I think I made the right call."

"Achtung! We seem to have the base to ourselves today. Why's that?"

"The trolls are supposed to be making the ransom exchange today..." HoboSeven fidgeted. "But with Phoenix dead, I dunno how that's gonna work."

Klavier tried to give a thumbs up but then he remembered his thumbs were broken so he just smiled instead. "Well, no sense in standing around, ja? What say you and I team-up, escape this hellish hideout, and show r/AceAttorney and barrylawn what for?"

"I won't fight barrylawn," said HoboSeven. "I hate r/AceAttorney and I hate Yamazaki but I hold no ill-will towards barrylawn. My morality is gray."

"Achtung! I see," said Klavier. He handed HoboSeven his sword and then got another. "Well, just promise me you'll decapitate r/AceAttorney if you get the chance, ja? OK, let's blow this popsicle stand! Achtung!"

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Klavier Kills People with a Swrod

HoboSeven showed Klavier to the radio room, where r/AceAttorney kept all his radios. Klavier used the radio to send out an SOS signal and even though they were thousands of miles underground it worked because they were very powerful high-tech radios.

"SOS! SOS!" said Klavier into the microphone. SOS is the international codeword for "Help me!"

"The troll army is holding us captive in..." he paused and turned to HoboSeven. "Um, where are we? I was blindfolded, gagged, drugged, and ear-plugged when I was kidnapped."

"We're in the desert," replied the hobo. "Under some rocks."

"Achtung," said Klavier, putting the mic back in his mouth, "so whoever hears this SOS needs to call the police and tell them to come to the desert and arrest the trolls. And these trolls are armed and dangerous, ja? They have barrels of acid and I don't even want to know what else. So be achtung!" Achtung is German for "cautious" and it can also mean other things if you want it to.

After sending out the SOS he called Apollo Justice at the Wright Anything Agency.

"Achtung, Herr Forehead, I have very bad news. But first, is Trucy with you?"

"No, Klavier Gavin, she is in another room."

"Good," nodded Klavier, "I wouldn't want to risk her overhearing this. Phoenix Wright got killed with acid. The trolls killed him because they are evil."

Apollo screamed and punched a hole through the drywall with his head.

Silence. Klavier and Hobo shared a glance.

"Achtung? Herr Forehead? You still there?"

Apollo got back on the radio. "Yes, Klavier Gavin, I just got angry and hit the wall. I can't believe Phoenix Wright was killed with acid. Edgeworth and dakoolguy went to make the ransom exchange just a few hours ago. The trolls are evil betrayers of decency."

"Ja, that is the truth," said Klavier grimmly. "It was a vile crime. I'm at the trolls' headquarters right now, and it seems like they're planning on killing Edgeworth and dakoolguy. I need you to go to my house and get my motorcycle and drive it to the desert. Oh, but make sure to take the back entrance into the desert, ja? You don't want the trolls to see you."

Apollo got scared. "I'm scared," said Apollo. "Because I don't know how to ride a motorcycle."

"Don't worry, Herr Forehead, I keep a motorcycle book next to my motorcycle. It has all the basics of riding motorcycles in it. It is a small book, perhaps more of a pamphlet than a book, it only has 16 pages. But if you read it, you will learn more about motorcycles."

"Okay, I'll drive your motorcycle to the desert," said Apollo. "But wait. What if the trolls come to kill Trucy when I'm gone."

"Achtung," said Klavier. "Don't worry. Look in the potted plant. It has a name. Charley. You will find a gun in the pot. Give it to Trucy and she can kill anyone who tries to kill her."

"Okay, I'll do that," said Apollo. "I'm going to go now. Achtung." He was copying Klavier because he admired him.

"Achtung, indeed, mein friend Justice..." That was the first time in the Ace Attorney canon that Klavier didn't call Apollo "Herr Forehead".

Klavier hung up. He turned to Hoboseven.

"Okay, show me the way out of here," Klavier said.

"Okay, I'll do that," said Hoboseven. "Even better, I'll show you the secret exit in the back. That way we can take the trolls by surprise."

So the two humans ran down some more hallways in that infernal hideout and eventually discovered a bookshelf.

"What? A mere bookshelf?" said Klavier. "Aha, but let me guess, this bookshelf is actually the secret exit!" He guessed correctly. Hobo Seven removed one of the books and the shelf slid to the side and revealed the secret back-elevator (like a backdoor but an elevator). They entered and pressed the button to take them to the surface. The doors shut.

They were about halfway to the surface when suddenly a robotic-eye came out of the wall!

"Scanning..." said the eye. A laser shot out of it. "WARNING! NON-TROLL DETECTED IN THE SECRET ELEVATOR! ACTIVATING DEATH MECHANISMS!"

Dozens of slits opened up in the elevator walls and started shooting out knives!

"Achtung!" cried Klavier as a knife grazed his eyelashes. "Use your sword, mein friend!" Klavier began twirling his sword around in the air and deflecting all the knives. Twang! Klack! (sound effects) It was cool.

Eventually all the knives were gone except one. It was coming right for Hoboseven!

"Achtung!" cried Klavier. "Use your swrod, mein friend!"

Hoboseven just smirked. He dropped his sword on the ground with a clang. Then he hurled his fist through the air and punched the knife!

"M-mein Gott!" said Klavier. "Are you okay?"

Hoboseven held up his fist and examined it. The knife was sticking out between two knuckles and blood was running down the back of his hand. He nodded in approval. "As a self-proclaimed badass," he said, "I don't even need to use a swrod. I can just punch the knife. Also, when I told you not to kill me when we first met, that wasn't me pleading for mercy, it was a warning, because if you hadn't stepped down I would have grabbed you by the throat and ripped it open. I am a self-proclaimed badass."

So as you can see, the characterization was perfect all along, we just didn't know it until now.

Anyway, now that the knives were defeated, Klavier ripped the robotic eye out of the wall and stomped on it so it could never troll him ever again. Then the elevator dinged and the doors opened.

Klavier squinted and shaded his eyes with a hand. The afternoon desert sun seemed unbearable after the dim artificial light of the secret hideout. He closed his eyes and waited 30 seconds before he opened them again. That's a good trick to get your eyes to adjust faster.

Anyway, the two humans stepped outside. They were on the other side of the big pile of rocks so they couldn't see the trolls or Edgeworth and dakoolguy, but they could hear them.

"It's gonna take a miracle, pal," Gumshoe was saying. See, now we're back to where chapter 3 left off.

Just then Apollo Justice showed up on Klavier's motorcycle! He skidded to a stop.

"Ah, Herr Justice, you've arrived," nodded Klavier. He stuck his sword in the sand. "But where are the police?"

Apollo got off the bike. "The trolls blew up all the roads leading into the desert with dynamite," he explained. "This desert is cut off from the rest of the world. Like a castle with a moat."

"But how did you make it here then?" asked HoboSeven.

"I jumped the gorge. I almost didn't make it because a gust of wind blew me off-course but then I made the motorcycle go faster in the air and I managed to grab a cactus and pull myself and the motorcycle up to the other side." He held out his hands rather ashamed. "My hands got really bloody from grabbing the cactus and it ripped a lot of my skin off. Some of my skin might still be on the handlebars, I'm sorry Klavier."

Klavier put a friendly hand on Apollo's shoulder. "Nein, don't be sorry, you did great. Now, if you two will excuse me..." He planted himself on the motorcycle and revved the engine. "I have some trolls to fight."

Klavier took out a CD from his shirt. "Heh, good thing the trolls didn't confiscate this..." He put the disc into his motorcycle's CD player and Riot- Johnny's Back started playing. The motorcycle roared forward and Klavier pulled his sword out of the ground and held it aloft in the air.

"Achtung, trolls! Here I come!" He sped off towards the battlefield as Apollo and HoboSeven waved goodbye.

Meanwhile the evil people AKA trolls were getting ready to kill the last four good people left AKA the judge, Gumshoe, dakoolguy, and Miles Edgeworth who was still in a catatonic state.

"Leave us alone!" cried dakoolguy. He was crying. "Stop trolling us! Trolls!"

"Looks like you're dead," said Redd White, brandishing the Thinker.

"I agree with you," said Daryan Crescend. He had a weapon.

Edgeworth finally regained his senses. He looked around in confusion. "Ugh, dakoolguy? Where am I?"

"YOU'RE IN DEAD!" screamed Redd White and he threw the Thinker at Edgeworth. But the judge dived in front of Edgeworth and swatted the Thinker back with his gavel.

"Oh, that's bad," said Redd White. He ducked and the Thinker flew over his head and cracked Morgan Fey's skull open. Her brain fell out of her head and it was on the ground now.

"Nice shot, Your Honor," said Edgeworth. He stood up and dusted off his pants. "Now," he said sternly, taking out his badge, "I'm placing you trolls under arrest for the murder of Phoenix Wright! Gumshoe, cuff them!"

This elicited laughter from all the trolls.

"You're outnumbered, bub," jeered Furio Tigre. "You can't arrest anyone!" He had a weapon.

"The age of law is over, Miles," said von Karma. "No one can tell us we can't do illegal things anymore. We are the new gods."

"Besides," said Alita Tiala, "there aren't enough handcuffs in that pathetic detective's pockets to arrest us."

Edgeworth's lips vibrated really fast. It was true... without handcuffs there was no way to arrest all these evil people. Besides, even if they had handcuffs, the trolls wouldn't let them put them on. Because they were outnumbered.

The trolls all moved in for "the kill" like a pack of angry trolls.

r/AceAttorney looked on from his rock throne on top of the rocks. "They put up a poor fight, all things considered," he chuckled. "Such a shame. I was hoping for an excuse to demonstrate my incredible strength."

"Are you very strong, father?" asked Ana-Rde (vile troll(evil)).

"Yes, my adopted troll daughter. During my time in hell I spent every day lifting weights and taking steroids. Now I'm very strong, even though I am being channeled by a weak sister like Iris Hawthorne." He flexed his bicep and his sleeve ripped open. "See?"

Suddenly, down on the battlefield, Kristoph sniffed. "Wait a minute..." He sniffed twice more. "Where's that awesome music coming from?"

"That music isn't awesome," complained Ini Miney. "It sucks!"

But then the music got louder.. and louder... and then Klavier Gavin crested a sand dune and entered the fray on his metal steed! His sword flashed through the air and chopped off Ini Miney's head! The evil people panicked and started fleeing in all directions. Daryan tripped over Morgan's brain and then the motorcycle ran over his head. Splat! Blood got on the ground everywhere.

"Looks like the cavalry has arrived," said Edgeworth.

"Yeah! Way to go, pal!" cried Gumshoe.

dakoolguy and the others cheered Klavier on as he laid waste to the trolls. Snip! Alita Tiala's head flew through the air and landed on dakoolguy's shoulder. Edgeworth laughed.

"Normally I can say you have a good head on your shoulders, my friend," he said, "but not today." He flicked the head off with his finger like it was a booger.

Meanwhile Kristoph Gavin was trying to outrun his brother's motorcycle. It was no use. Feet aren't as fast as wheels. Klavier rode up alongside Kristoph and grabbed him by the hair and dragged him on the ground.

"My brother Klavier!" pleaded Kristoph as his legs burned off from the friction. "W-what are you doing? I'm sorry for torturing you with my paperclip! Please! Stop!"

Klavier just grinned. "Hey, Klavier, how about giving me a little head?" He used his other hand to cut off his brother's head. (He was steering with his feet.) Then he spun his brother's head by the hair like a lasso and threw it at r/AceAttorney.

"Ahaha, now things are getting interesting," said the evil subreddit as the battle unfolded. Then Kristoph's head came flying at his hand and bit down! It seemed like this final act against the troll master was penance for all the times Kristoph had trolled people throughout his life, like when he trolled phoenix wright by making him get disbarred or when he trolled Vera Mishmash by putting poison in her fingernails. Kristoph's decapitated head cried 1 tear before it expired.

"Yowch!" cried r/AceAttorney. He dropped the briefcase and it fell off the edge of the rocks. Klavier extended his sword toward the case and caught the handle with the tip of the sword. The case slid down the sword and into his hand.

"Achtung, mein brother Kristoph..." he said softly as he rode away.

"No!" roared r/AceAttorney. "My coveted thing!" barrylawn and Ana-Rde hissed.

Edgeworth watched all this through his telescope. "Aha!" he said. "Klavier has retrieved the ransom!"

"Thank goodness," said the Judge. "I shudder to think what r/AceAttorney would have done with the contents of that case..."

"Just what's in it anyway, Miles?" asked dakoolguy.

"Pray you never find out, dakoolguy..."

Just then Franziska von Karma whipped Klavier's tires with her whip and they exploded! Klavier flew off the bike and landed in a heap on top of the briefcase. The music stopped as the motorcycle died. Locked Attorney approached him and pulled out a gun.

"No!" cried Edgeworth. But there was nothing he or the others could do. Klavier was all the way on the other side of the telescope. They'd never reach him in time.

"Ahaha, yes!" urged Manfred von Karma. "Shoot him! Shoot him!"

April May, Redd White, Manfred von Karma, Damon Gant, Furio Tigre, and Franziska cheered Locked Attorney on. But then something miraculous happened... Locked Attorney spun around and pointed the gun at the trolls!

"What" shouted Manfred von Karma.

"Sorry, but I'm not one of you," said Locked Attorney. He took off his mask and revealed that he wasn't a troll. "I'm not a troll. I was never a troll. You see, my John Phoenix stories weren't actually trolls. Because I actually told a decent story and I respected the John Phoenix canon and didn't make him do bad things or act OOC. I'm actually a big fan of John Phoenix, that's why I wrote the story. The only part of my story that was a troll was uploading it in like 25 seperate parts. But that was just so I could convince you I was a troll and infiltrate your ranks!"

Klavier sat up weakly and applauded. "Brillant, mein friend! It's always nice to meet a fellow John Phoenix fan." Edgeworth and the others ran up and joined him. Gumshoe and the judge helped Klavier up.

"Traitor!" growled Manfred von Karma. Locked Attorney shot a bullet at him but Manfred used Damon Gant as a shield and he died instead.

"Nice job," said Edgeworth. "Now only April May, Redd White, Manfred von Karma, Franziska, and Furio Tigre are left." Locked Attorney fired another bullet and killed April May.

"I could do this all day," he bragged.

But just then r/AceAttorney jumped off the rocks! He was anger. He grabbed the gun and crushed it in one powerful hand like it was a cookie.

"r/AceAttorney!" cried all the good people.

r/AceAttorney laughed. He ripped his clothes off revealing his heavily muscled body. "Yes, now I enter the fray!" He grabbed Redd White and brought him down on his knee and broke his spine in half. Then he tossed the corpse aside. "You are no match for me!"

"Y-you just killed your own ally!" said Edgeworth.

"Ha... all I ever cared about was the ransom... the one thing I couldn't get on my own. Now that I have it in arm's reach, everybody else can go hang!"

All hope seemed lost... but then a shadowy figure descended from the heavens and hovered overhead.

"Don't tell me I'm late for the party..." said the shadow.

To be continued.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The shadowy figure touched down on earth.

"N-no..." whimpered r/AceAttorney, faltering. He grabbed von Karma by the shoulders and cowered behind him. "N-not you... a-anybody but you!"

The shadowy figure laughed. He was shadowy because he had an umbrella, but it was actually a parasol. He handed the parasol to Klaviar, who was getting a bit sunburnt.

"I got your SOS, Klaviar," said the no-longer shadowy figure. "I just wish I could have gotten here sooner." He took off his mask and revealed his true identity.

"Yes!" Edgeworth said, triumph gleaming in his eyes. "It's..."

"MrGoodyTwoShoes!" everyone, good and bad alike, exclaimed.

MrGoodyTwoShoes grinned. "That's not all..." Suddenly more humans began falling from the sky. They rocketed towards earth and made craters in the ground as they landed. After the dust cleared, r/AceAttorney's worst fears were realized. Because, you see, these humans were none other than the members of Critics United, the heroes of fanfiction dot net!

They were all there... CU Administration, DarkSiren49, ChaCha1st, ZadArchie, WargishBoromirFan, Whimsical Symphony, and, of course, MrGoodyTwoShoes, who was basically the president and the most beloved member of the entire operation.

"Thank goodness you're here," said the Judge. "These evil trolls have been posting rude fan fiction about my friend dakoolguy online."

"Ja," nodded Klaviar, "and they killed Phoenix Wright as well." r/AceAttorney gulped.

Gumshoe was confused. "I'm confused pal? Who are these people?"

"These people, my dear Shoe," explained Edgeworth, "are the heroes of fanfiction dot net. They are selfless volunteers who do what the admins are seemingly too incompetent to do. They patrol the website for rule-violating stories, like script fics or stories written in the second person. When they find a bad story they mass-report it until it gets deleted. But sometimes, when bad actors like these trolls take it too far, they have to fly through the air and go to the trolls and arrest them in real life."

MrGoodyTwoShoes went up to dakoolguy and kneeled down. He placed a kindly hand on his shoulder.

"Now tell me, son," said MrGoodyTwoShoes, "who's been trolling you?" dakoolguy pointed at r/AceAttorney and at barrylawn and Ana-rde, who had climbed down the rocks and were hiding behind the foul subreddit.

"I see," said MrGoodyTwoShoes, looking at the trolls in distaste. "So you have been trolling my friend dakoolguy, have you? Tsk, tsk, tsk... I'm afraid Critics United will have to punish you..." A whip made out of lasers suddenly materialized in his hand.

barrylawn got scared. He didn't want to go back to prison. "It wasn't me! I mean, it was me, but I was acting under duress! r/AceAttorney forced me to write those stories!"

r/AceAttorney growled and threw Manfred von Karma thousands of feet into the air.

"Daddy, no!" cried Franziska.

r/AceAttorney lifted barrylawn by the back of his shirt. "Some son you turned out to be!" he snarled. He cocked back his fist.

"Oh no!" said Ana-rde. "Father, don't!"

"Shut up, this is what disrespectful little cowards get!" And he was about to punch barrylawn's head off but then MrGoodyTwoShoes whipped r/AceAttorney's wrist and cut his hand off!

"Yowwwwworrie!" screamed r/AceAttorney. barrylawn fell to the ground and almost broke all his bones but WargishBoromirFan caught him and put him in a birdcage.

"You'll be safe in there," said WargishBoromirFan. April May, Franziska, and Furio Tigre all held up their hands. They knew it was all over.

Critics United began closing in around r/AceAttorney. The evil subreddit cried and held his bleeding stump to his chest.

"Looks like this long war against the trolls is almost over," said Edgeworth.

"Yeah, pal, nothing can go wrong now!" said Gumshoe. But then something did go wrong now.

"Father, catch!" Ana-rde threw the briefcase to r/AceAttorney.

"No!" cried all the good people.

"Yes!" cried all the evil people.

r/AceAttorney laughed and opened the case. "Thank you, my evil adopted troll-daughter," said r/AceAttorney. He opened the briefcase and took out a phial containing some strange liquid. He uncorked it and guzzled it down.

"Dear lord..." whispered Edgeworth. The wind began to howl and the sky turned blood-red.

"W-what's going on, Miles?" asked dakoolguy. Edgeworth held dakoolguy's face to his chest to protect him from the sand blowing everywhere.

"That phial contained John Phoenix serum..." whispered Edgeworth. Lava began oozing out of the cactuses.

"J-John Phoenix serum...?"

A blast of energy radiated outward from r/AceAttorney and knocked down all the members of Critics United.

"Yes... John Phoenix serum..." Edgeworth said darkly. His pant legs were whipping around crazily in the wind. "After reading your story 'The Adventures of John Phoenix', the courts tried to make John Phoenix real."

"B-but why?"

"Simple, because John Phoenix was the greatest fictional defense attorney to ever live. If the courts could make him real, they could be sure that defendants would always get the best defense possible..."

r/AceAttorney slowly began to rise into the air. He seemed to be undergoing a strange transformation. Wisps of fire danced around him.

"But... something went wrong with the serum..." continued Edgeworth as the others retreated toward him and dakoolguy. "It made people good lawyers, but it also made people evil, and also psychic. If it fell into the wrong hands..." He let out a harsh laugh. "Well, we'll know soon enough, won't we?"

Edgeworth and dakoolguy and Franziska and Furio Tigre and April May and the Judge and Gumshoe and Klaviar and Locked Attorney watched as the r/AceAttorney morphed into an evil version of John Phoenix and fire rained down on the earth.

"Achtung!" said Klaviar angrily. "Herr Edgeworth! How could you let something like... like this John Phoenix serum fall into the hands of that evil r/AceAttorney?"

"I... I had to save Wright..."

"Wright wouldn't have wanted this, Miles," said the Judge softly, gesturing at the general apocalypse around them.

Edgeworth cried 1 tear. "I know... that's why..." He gently pushed dakoolguy away and reached into his cravat and pulled out a phial.

Everyone gasped.

"Is that more John Phoenix serum?" asked Locked Attorney.

"Yes. I couldn't let r/AceAttorney have all of it, could I? No... I needed a way to fight back."

Edgeworth uncorked the phial...

To be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

A/N: Wow, I neglected this story for a long time. Truth is I wasn't sure how to proceed from the last chapter, but then I remembered that this story is brilliantly plotted and that every single thing is planned, and once I remembered that, it was easy.

* * *

r/AceAttorney hovered over the battlefield. Bolts of purple lightning crackled around him. The air was supercharged with psychic energy and toxicity. The blood-red sky seemed a fitting complement to the blood-red blood that painted the sands of the desert.

The John Phoenix serum had done its work well. The transformation was complete. r/AceAttorney had finally become an evil version of John Phoenix in real life.

His skin had turned into John Phoenix's iconic green suit, stretched out to conform to his massively muscled body. His severed hand had regenerated. His face was that of John Phoenix, but with subtle imperfections here and there which betrayed his evil nature. Perhaps it was the cold, almost feral eyes, or the thin lips which barely seemed to cover his sharp teeth.

His hair was long and black, was in fact Iris Hawthorne's hair, a remnant from when she had been channeling him. A remnant, merely, because r/AceAttorney had fully dispelled Iris's spirit from his new body and sent her to hell in his place. He was fully in control now.

"My name..." he whispered, strands of hair flapping against his face, "is John Reddit..."

The clouds parted overhead and the moon was a skull now. Blood flowed from its eye sockets.

Apollo Justice and HoboSeven watched all this from behind some rocks. Not the big rocks which contained the secret elevator to the hidden hideout; no, these were a much smaller species of rock which were perfect for hiding behind and watching things, if one only knew how to use them properly.

Apollo gulped. "Reddit and John Phoenix...? Combined? Who thought this was okay?"

"Look, there's barrylawn," said HoboSeven, pointing.

barrylawn was still trapped in the giant birdcage underneath John Reddit. He was surrounded by members of Critics United, most of whom were already dead or near death. He was constantly in danger of being killed by a stray lightning bolt or by the lava squirting out of the nearby cactuses.

"C'mon, let's go save him," said HoboSeven.

"No way." Apollo shook his head. "Nuh-uh!"

"Don't be a bastard. He'll die if we don't help him."

"So what? He's just another troll."

"Objection! He's hardly a troll." HoboSeven presented barrylawn's profile. "See? He's the president of Ace Attorney fanfiction. He was elected by the people. That's called democracy, buddy. Also, he's a moderator on the Official John Phoenix Fan Forum, and they don't give mod to just anybody on there, you really gotta hate Dual Destinies and Spirit of Justice and Ace Attorney Investigations 2. Not to mention love John Phoenix."

"Lemme see that." Apollo examined the evidence, which included a copy of barrylawn's moderator application. He was stunned. "This... seems legitimate. But if he's not a troll, then why did the police investigation say he was?"

"I believe there's someone behind r/AceAttorney, someone who keeps to the shadows, someone who has been directing attention away from himself... someone powerful who influenced the outcome of the investigation. Some sort of troll master, shall we say? A couple of days ago I saw a shadowy stranger talking with r/AceAttorney in the base. I'm not sure who the shadowy figure was because he was standing in the shadows. Also, I can't be sure, because his face was shadowy, but I think he was wearing a mask."

"Okay..." said Apollo. "So that guy was the real troll leader?"

"Yeah, I think so. r/AceAttorney was really kissing his ass, and he seemed scared of him. Besides, the John Phoenix serum was supposed to be a secret. There's no way r/AceAttorney could have known about it unless someone important involved with the project told him. Also, someone must have forced Iris to channel r/AceAttorney, because she was still in love with Wright and would never have channeled his arch-enemy AKA Reddit."

"Huh, I see, makes sense..." Apollo nodded slowly. "Hey, wait a minute, how do you know the serum was supposed to be a secret?"

HoboSeven rubbed his head in frustration. "I... I don't know. I seem to have partial amnesia from when I was kidnapped... Something to do with the drugs they administered..."

Just then Manfred von Karma finally fell back down from the sky after like 2 chapters and landed on HoboSeven's head, but his head was so strong that von Karma just snapped in half and died instantly.

"Ow my head, oh wait, my memories are coming back. I'm actually an undercover agent." HoboSeven took out an ID card hidden in his sock which identified him as an undercover agent.

"Well, I'm convinced," said Apollo. "Let's go help this guy."

* * *

Meanwhile, the same meanwhile the last chapter ended on, on a sand dune overlooking the battlefield, Edgeworth was holding the phial of John Phoenix serum to his lips.

"Miles, no!" pleaded dakoolguy. "It's too dangerous."

"I agree," nodded the Judge. "According to the reports you showed me, the effects of the serum differ from person to person. It could even induce death."

"Pal, if anyone is gonna take that junk and fight r/AceAttorney it should be me!" said Gumshoe. "I mean, I'm used to eating weird crap anyway, my body is probably perfectly adapted to it."

Klavier wrapped his arms around Furio Tigre and April May. "Or how about using one of these trolls as a guinea pig?" They sweated nervously.

"Damn you people!" Edgeworth lowered the phial. "Can't you understand this is something I have to do myself? That... thing up there needs to be stopped. If it isn't, it could cause the death of untold trillions."

"Hmph, foolish brother," said Franszika. "There are only billions of people on Earth! Not trillions."

"I was also counting animals and bugs, Franziska," replied Edgeworth. "Because unlike you, I actually value all life on this planet... troll."

"Grrr!"

Edgeworth swallowed hard, steeling his nerves. Then he laid a hand on his best friend dakoolguy's shoulder.

"dakoolguy..."

"Y-yes, Miles?"

"Whatever happens... remember me as I once was."

Edgeworth wrapped his lips around the phial and sucked down every last drop of John Phoenix juice. There was a blinding flash and Edgeworth was surrounded by a golden aura as Bad Religion- Infected started playing from somewhere (possibly heaven or hell).

"This sublime... feeling... of pure power..." Edgeworth held out his hands, which seemed more buff than usual, and his hair was standing up for some reason, probably magic.

Then he was struck by a bolt of lightning and burst into green flames and was reduced to ashes.

"MILES!" screamed dakoolguy in agony.

But then a figure began to rise rise from the ashes... like...

_...a phoenix..._

"Sweet mother of god..." whispered the Judge.

The figure adopted a powerful pose and stared up at r/AceAttorney steadfastly. He had a green suit, a blue cravat, John Phoenix's face, and Miles Edgeworth's hair.

His name was Miles Phoenix.

He held out his arms like Superman and flew over to where r/AceAttorney AKA John Reddit was hovering while everyone cheered him on.

"DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" screamed Miles as he rocketed toward r/AceAttorney and threw a punch but the evil subreddit caught it easily.

"Who the fuck're yeew?" slurred John Reddit. The transformation seemed to have affected his speech.

Miles grabbed the other hand and they started grappling in the air.

"I'm Miles Phoenix. You can call me God."

John Reddit's knee shot into Miles's stomach like a bullet from a gun. Miles Phoenix let go of Reddit's hands, groaned, and doubled over in pain.

"You're not... strong enough... to be my god," snarled r/AceAttorney, foaming at the mouth. He held his hands together and brought them down on the back of Miles Phoenix's neck, sending him hurtling towards the ground at several thousand miles per hour. Miles crashed into the rocks over the hideout, destroying them, and disappeared under the rubble.

"Disgusting..." said John Reddit. "What a waste... of serum." Then he heard a sound. "Huh?"

That sound was the whirring of helicopter blades. Three police choppers were flying toward his location. A rope-ladder descended from one of the helicopters and a person with a briefcase slid down and started running over to dakoolguy and the others.

r/AceAttorney idly considered cutting this person in half with a laser beam, just because, but then his attention was diverted by a voice coming over a police helicopter's megaphone.

"r/AceAttorney! This is the LAPD! Surrender immediately! We _will_ open fire!"

John Reddit's lip curled up in a sneer. He flipped the bird. "Come and get it, buddy."

The chaingun on the helicopter leading the pack spun to life and fired at the evil subreddit but the bullets just bounced off of him harmlessly. Then another helicopter fired a rocket but John Reddit caught it in both hands, spun around twice, and slingshotted the smoking rocket into the cockpit of the helicopter. The chopper exploded and brains and spinal cords flew out.

John Reddit cracked a grin, a horrible perversion of one John Phoenix's trademark smirks, and then flew over to another helicopter and grabbed the blades. They cut his hands open but he used his vast strength to stop them. Then he started slowly twisting them in the opposite direction.

"My god," said the pilot. "He's turning the blades of the helicopter as though it were a mere wind-up toy."

"_My god_," said the co-pilot.

After winding up the blades, r/AceAttorney let go and helicopter spun really, really, really fast through the air like a top and crashed into the other helicopter and they both blew up in a tremendous explosion sending flaming wreckage and body parts flying everywhere.

A close up of John Reddit's face, illuminated by the explosion. His eyes were empty. There was nothing behind them. Whatever humanity he might have once had was gone.

The music faded out. As did our heroes' hopes.

"r/AceAttorney..." the Judge whispered. "H-he defeated Miles and those helicopters effortlessly...!"

dakoolguy was beating his fists against the ground. "It should have been me! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"

"No, pal!" Gumshoe roared. "It should have been ME!"

"Staying here and facing this monster would be madness!" exclaimed Franziska. "We must escape!"

"It is pointless, fraulein," said Klavier. "The trolls blew up the roads. We're stranded here."

Just then Ema Skye ran up the sand dune with the briefcase.

"Hi guys!" she chirped. "Holy shit, are things crazy here or what? I almost died when that helicopter exploded!"

The Judge covered dakoolguy's ears. "Ms. Skye, please refrain from using unnecessary swear words in dakoolguy's presence."

"Oh, sorry your honor. Anyway, we got Klavier's SOS and we thought that r/AceAttorney might have already taken the serum, so I was allowed to bring a little something that should help turn the battle in our favor." She patted the briefcase.

But then a bloodied warrior fell from the sky and landed in their midst.

"I'm afraid I'll be taking possession of that briefcase now, Ms. Skye."

"Achtung!" cried Klavier. "What is this?!"

"W-why, it's Mr. GoodyTwoShoes," said the Judge.

"Mr. GoodyTwoShoes?" The Critics United leader laughed. "Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call me... Mr. BaddyBadShoes..."

The laser whip materialized in his hand.

To be continued...


End file.
